I have had my fair share of break ups and to be honest the latest one had to have been the biggest surprise of them all. I wasn't expecting it. It's definitely been the hardest one I have had to deal with. I have always thought that my previous break ups were difficult to bear and in a way they were. Those guys treated me wrong and I never got the closure I felt like needed. Guys have lied to me, used me, cheated on me, lead me on and I've even been stood up on occasion because the guy didn't have the courage to break up with me. I would let the way guys treated me bring me down and make me think of myself as worthless and undeserving of love, even when I never was the one who did anything wrong.
For the longest time I never thought I learned anything from my past relationships. I felt so negative and I was embarrassed that I let those guys walk all over me and let what they did to me control my life. It took some growing up and a realization that I never deserved to be treated like that, but at the same time I learned that I wasn't doing anything to prevent those situations either. I wasn't putting God first and I wasn't living my life completely the way I needed to be. I had a basic testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and it was small and fragile. I was trying so hard to make something work that wasn't supposed to and ignore the promptings of the spirit telling me that I shouldn't be with that guy. I was too focused on getting married instead of preparing myself for marriage and becoming someone a guy wanted to marry.
My last relationship ended pretty recently, but it's by far the best relationship I have ever been. It hurts me that it ended and I've been having the hardest time understanding why it did. I've prayed and prayed about this guy and I felt like this was it. After everything I have been though and improving my life, I have finally found the person I want to spend eternity with. For me actions speak louder than words and though he didn't talk about his feelings often, I always felt that something was there because of his actions. I guess I was wrong because, for weeks, he had been having second thoughts and I never knew. I didn't see it coming. He said he prayed about it, but he didn't get the same answer as me. Sometimes when one person believes it will work out doesn't mean the other person does.
I have learned from a recent Family Home Evening lesson with the Young Single Adults in my area, that when we feel like we aren't receiving an answer or feeling unsure if we are or not, we need to ask ourselves..."am I asking the right questions?". Heavenly Father gave us our agency and He will never take that away from us. When it comes to praying about the one we are supposed to be with, He isn't going to tell you who you're supposed to marry. I believe there is more than one person that is right for us out there. It is up to us to decide who that person will be and it is up to the two of you to decide if it's going to work. So, instead of praying "Heavenly Father, who am I supposed to marry?" or "Heavenly Father, am I supposed to marry this person or not?" - We need to ponder about it and make a decision and then pray about our decision - "Heavenly Father, this is who I choose to marry; this is who I want to be with...am I making the right decision?". Once we make a decision and pray about it, we need to act on that decision and continue to have faith in the Lord. He will let you know if you made the right decision or not.
My past relationships have taught me a lot and I have become thankful for them. I needed to date those guys to discover what I want in a relationship and what kind of guy I want to have as an eternal companion. I have stopped letting other people make me feel like I am worthless and I know now that I am deserving of love. There is an amazing guy out there looking for a girl like me and I'm sure he is everything I have been looking for as well. Maybe he will surprise me by waiting at the airport with a big, sweet and embarrassing poster because we haven't seen each other in weeks. Maybe he will realize what he has when he has it and never lets me go...and if he does, he will do anything to get me back.
Lately, I have found comfort after my latest breakups by praying and asking for Heavenly Father's help and guidance, followed by reading and studying the scriptures. I also have learned it doesn't hurt to ask for a priesthood blessing from my father. Although doing those things are wonderful and helpful, I receive the most comfort from attending the temple. No matter how hopeless I feel because I haven't been asked out by a decent guy in a while and start to think "am I ever going to find love?"... and when I see my friends and fellow young single adults in my group getting engaged and married, I always read my favorite blog post by Al Carraway ("The Tattooed Mormon") - I'm never getting married. It's given me so much hope and guidance and I learned that I need to focus on my relationship with God and that if I "continued to put God first, everything else would fall into place."